I graduate tomorrow and just the thought of walking across the stage in front of all of those people freaks me out. But that’s not the only reason why I’m stressing lately.
Ryan’s best childhood friend who lives on the west coast and is home on leave wants to have a get together and meet me.
I am all for that. Except for the fact that Chase will also be there.
I vowed to never see him again. Looking back, I am extremely mortified about how things ended. I was still rebounding from T and he was still rebounding from a broken engagement.
We both used each other, but for the opposite reasons. He wanted fun and no attachments. I wanted a lasting commitment.
I know that, should Ryan and I stay together, I might have to face him eventually. And even though I no longer have any feelings for Chase (apart for hate: I hate how he treated me and that he still treats other women that way), I don’t want to confront him or those feelings.
That may seem petty, childish or even cowardly, but I am an emotional person. And facing him and all of those emotions while also trying to give my best first impression to Ryan’s best friend and his wife is not the best plan.
I had a dream a few months ago that Ryan and I got married and Chase wedding crashed. Ryan and I got up to make speeches as he was hitting on my bridesmaids. I called him out in front of all the guests and said something to the extent of thanks for being a complete affront to woman-kind and Ryan’s childhood friend, thanks for introducing us.
I could, essentially, say that to him, should I see him on Sunday, but I’m not sure if, at this point in my life, I could handle being that kind to him.
I’m normally the kind of person to forgive and forget and I rarely hold grudges. But this is an unusual case.
I don’t want this to let my really great weekend (graduation, my brother coming home on leave, Christmas, etc…) become an awful weekend.